brightasyellow

01:45 pm:

11:52 am: that and everything
oh. remember that night when we drove in your rental car and sat outside in the parking lot of bowering park. we sat there and it was so cold and you said "let's go down by the water"and i said "ök ok let me button up my coat" and then we did. and it was dark and there were sketchy boys selling drugs by the bridge and i felt awake for the first time in months and i plucked a branch off of a tree and stuck it into my pocket so i would always remember what it felt like to be me that night. one april ago.
i found that branch tonight but i couldn't quite remember how awake i felt. i suppose it's the weather. it's dreary in my little city today. the whole world is icy and cold.

sometimes i feel like the lady in the radiator.

all strange and lost and little and hopelessly hopeful.
hopelessly hopeful indeed.

but oh. things aren't terrible. no no. last night i listened to surfer girl on repeat over and over. my heart works in weird ways. it swells for no good reason. pumps harder when i least expect it.

oh so silly.

i wish i were a child, with skinned knees and scuffed shoes. i want to make a fort and live in it and play video games and read comic books and think of boys that i want to marry someday ( ritchie cunningham from happy days) i don't want to go to work today and be a grown up. i want grilled cheese sandwiches and icy cold glasses of milk and warm legs to rest my cold feet against in bed. do you have warm legs? do you want to come over and cuddle?



today feels like that^^
like walking around with a weird, wiggly charlie brown mouth and weird wiggly charlie brown thoughts.

hrmm...how are you today?
post a wonderful song for me to fall in love with.
youtube it please!

09:48 am:

02:42 pm: she fell in love with the nighttime
oh. hello.
today is bright and busy.
i've been awake forever. ripping cd's and making mini mixes for myself.
i am in love with the sound of greg macpherson mixed with electrelane today.
i would expire without all of this music. all of these words.
oh.
i wonder sometimes how people exist without music. but i know some who do.
it makes me sad. their hearts must be so empty.

today i want to go to see the bug exhibition at the geo centre. i want a banana split and a boy to say hey lets run away and sleep on rooftops and carry combs and toothbrushes in our back pockets. i want the sun to shine harder. i want sweater weather and a hand to hold when crossing the street. i want everything that you sing about in those songs i play on repeat. i want a mustache. i want a pony.

i have two exhibits coming up, one next weekend at the arts and culture centre and one for the entire month of march at the A1C gallery, where i used to work. i should not be daydreaming. i should be painting naked ladies with issues. but it is easier to daydream and listen to the microphones and wish i was a wave baby than to actually go into my studio and do some work.
shit.

where's my ambition?

she says, "I wanna run away and wanna see the world but I probably never will...but I don't wanna know.

some nights I can sink like a stone, look around me and completely
understand...and some nights I don't."

10:28 am: who needs a heart like mine?
the very beginning of the one you love by julie doiron gets me everytime.
even before her mouth opens and her beautiful voice comes spilling out.
it has been this way since i first heard it in 2002.
i ache in every possible way. in every part of my body.
i can feel it in the tips of my ears. my eyebrows. my throat. my shoulders.
the whole heart and crime album is precious to me.
it gets into my veins somehow.

yesterday we drove to sweet relic and bought chocolate raspberry torte and gluten free cookbooks and the sky looked like it might rain but it didn't.
i wore my pink shoes and i didn't feel very good.
i don;t feel good a lot of the time these days. i don;t feel like myself and that is possibly because i am not myself. i am this thirty year old person whose bad haircuts stopped being charming long ago. i am this person who feels so far away from the girl who was passionate about everything. i am possibly having some type of crisis.
i feel very juvenile. not like the woman i should be.
i can't even walk in heals properly.

oh.

i came home last night and sat on the floor of my studio and wanted so bad to write and spill and get dirty and honest but nothing came out.
i do hope that this passes...whatever it is.
so instead i made pasta and watched annie hall and lay very, very still with my cat.


next week we are getting a new sofa. it has a high back and it is soft, mossy green. it looks like a good sofa to read a book on. i am looking forward to it.

in other news, i am at the beginning of the end of my relationship. things have not been good for a long time now and we get weaker and weaker as time goes on.
i am not sure if there is much left to fight for besides the fact that once upon a time things were beautiful and i felt safe.
now i feel brushed aside and unimportant. ugly and not quite worthy of his attention.
i have tried my hardest to make things work but perhaps there comes a time when you just have to say ok and walk away.
i am nowhere near ready to just walk away yet, but i can't keep feeling this way.
i am not such a bad person. i think i deserve a little more than this.
i am not high maintenance. i just want him to tell me he loves me every now and then and hold my hand sometimes.
easy things. easy for me. hard for him if he's stopped loving me long ago.
i don;t understand why things have gone so horrible wrong with us. i've tried to understand. i lay in bed at night and think think think and bury my face in my pillow when i start to cry.
but it still doesn;t make sense.
the insecure girl in me blames my face.i am not pretty enough. not thin enough.
it's mostly because i am scared to look deeper than that. i am scared to find that my insides have turned as ugly as my outsides.


ah geez.


but that is my life right now.

some tiny good moments. some gigantic bad moments.
someday i hope that the good with outweigh the bad.
cross your fingers for me.

10:39 pm: proof of ghosts
( this is my lately )

08:52 am: so i'll sleep out in the gutter, you can sleep here on the floor
( nobody lingers like your hands on my heart )

12:33 am: if humans were as easy to fix as tv sets then the entire universe would run much more smoothly.
i know that i am broken and perhaps that puts me one step ahead of all the people who have no idea that they're in pieces.
or maybe it makes it that much harder. i know i'm broken and i am used to it. it's comfortable. and that's all some people need, right? comfort...

i've become accustomed to thinking a certain way. i've thought that way for so long now that i don't quite know how to change.
my insecurities are not just insecurities anymore. not just something floating around in my head. they're as real and as tangible as my fingernails. my teeth. my tongue.

indirectly, you've caused this.
how odd it must feel to know that you helped make me grow smaller.
how odd it is for me to put the blame on someone else.


sometimes i get scared that nothing can fix me. not bandaids. not crutches. not you.



i had a nice time walking the east coast trail near la manche this week.
there were tiny red mushrooms everywhere. and squirrels.
and the air smelled amazing. damp.
and we drove for hours, through tiny towns. we ate fries at bernard kavanaghs and watched the sea gulls and eventually ended up locked out of the car and drinking glasses of water at algy winsor's house and chatting with his wife until roadside assistance came to unlock the car.
we had ice cream cones on the drive home and the road was wet and ready for us to hydroplane.
it was a nice day and i am glad it is almost autumn because i am tired from the humidity of a st.john's summer.

so what's new with me?
i have a new job that i am deeply in love with.
i cut my hair so that it is not hanging down to the middle of my back but rather swinging awkwardly against my cheek.
i am happy in lots of little ways and unhappy in some big ways...everyone says the little things count though so i will hold on to that.
my parents have moved away. my 15 year old dog has died.
one of my best friends moved to montreal.
which means 90 percent of all of my closest and dearest friends are not anywhere near me.
and i miss them.
especially erin.
sometimes i feel an erin shaped hole in me where she used to be.
and al. geez.
i miss her so incredibly much sometimes.
but she's off in l.a. making movies and fulfilling dreams.


i guess that is it.

i am not much of a live journal-er these days.

oh! also.
chad and i found an abandoned house to explore this weekend.
here are some random pictures from then. and now. and lately.
xo.



( more )

02:16 pm: my head is so full of good that i am scared that it will burst like a balloon.
and really, that would not be good.
but ok...
ok.

i like to feel the floor shake when you dance.
and i am not sure why my tummy screams when you leave and jumps about when i hear your key in the door.

but it's a good scream.

...a good jump about.



things are good with me. life is slow and never moves too fast. i sat on my back deck on a monday night and drank beer with mike. we dreamed of birthday parties with hotdogs and pin the tail on the donkey. we dreamed of times when we were not orphans the way that we are now. we talked for hours and he chain smoked and we listened to chilliwck and stared up at the sky. it was a nice beginning to a nice week.
although yesterday my eyes melted in churchill square and i came home and crawled into bed and chad lay behind me and wrote me letters on loose leaf.
today i organized my linen closet and wished all my towels were in shades of brown and green.
i live a very dull life. but it is kind of beautiful all the same.



life is crazy, candy baby.

08:06 am: oh! the craft fair went so well.
it was a very long day. book and i left my house at 8 am and set up our booth. we were done by 12 and ready for customers.
the afternoon was so busy and the customers were great. full of compliments and praise.
by 5 pm, i was tired from standing and tired from life, but i still had to stand until 10 pm when the craft fair ended.
by 11:00 i was home with only 4 pieces of artwork left.
such a good day.
i made about 350 dollars and i met so many great people.
this is my second craft fair and definately the best so far.
jason holley and rosalind ford did an amazing job.
and they have another craft/design fair planned for october. so exciting.
this time i will have a booth by myself since my partner in crime, book, will be in montreal riding the metro and going to jethro tull concerts.
unless meggers would like to share a booth.
we shall see.
also, i came home with some nice artwork.
i bought 4 prints by jacob rolfe(my new favourite local artist by far)
a wallet by friend and former textiles studies classmate melissa.
some buttons and a bug print that book made.
i would've bought more but the money i made was for rent.
sad. i wish it was just 350 bucks that i could blow on pocky and other people's artwork.

so that's done.
what's next?
going out of the city for a week to relax. then back in town to paint my house, do a photoshoot with the lovely kathryn byrne, get my shit together, make carrot cake muffins with cream cheese icing for d for his birthday and to thank him for designing and printing my business cards, discussing with my landlord to bring mark back to our building, love the shit out of my boyfriend, help my sister move, get cute, and find a job.


also, gillian strong? this city misses you.
come home from egypt soon please.

10:47 am: every waking moment
here are some things about today and yesterday too:

- i have a cold. i always have a cold. i've had a cold since nineteen eighty three.
only not really, ok? i just get them so often. at least three or four times a year. i am a disaster.

- for the first time in years, i have a cupboard full of food and a refridgerator that is full also.
and on thursday i am having some people over for supper because i have food to feed them now. finally. geez.
chad tells me it is unhealthy to go through famines like i do. but i tell him "ah well"

- i always hated the samosa at arthur arthur. they were too large...chunky.
i am not sure why i am thinking of that. i buy them from the grocery store now and they are thin and smooshy. i guess i am not a samosa snob because i prefer the packaged crap to the fresh kind. i ate them for lunch yesterday and they were very yummy.

- my boyfriend drinks wine from pretty glasses and i drink wine from tea cups. we are a mismatch but the best mismatch ever.
i tihnk about this a lot. i think about how i always thought my big love would be a perfect fit but these days i've discovered that a perfect fit only matters with spooning and sex and i am glad that we are different because oh my! it's so very not dull. and i am so very in love.

- if i wasn't in love with chad, i'd be in love with leonid stadnyk.
if you want to know the truth...i am already a little in love with him. his hands are bigger than my face.


chad doesn't mind. he said it is ok. because leonid is there and i am here.

- i've been stressing out a little about apartment hunting. everytihng was rented before we even got to see it. funny thing is the apartment we wanted was right in front of us.
i have a studio now. chad has an office. i spent the morning talking paint colours and slip covers with my mother. tomorrow we're going to buy tooth brush holders and fluffy towels.
these things make me happy. it doesn't take much.

- on sunday, little book wished me a happy mother's day because i am her mama and i tell her i want her to be safe when she moves to montreal and i ask around about safe apartment buildings and metro passes. sometimes i wish i were running away to montreal with her. sometimes i wish moving to a small town didn't fall through. sometimes i love this dirty old city.

- this morning i painted five water colour paintings and cut out part of a stencil and i ate a muffin and had tea on my back deck. it was cold and there were birds hop-hopping around in a pile of dead leaves next to the neighbours fence.
i am hardcore preparing for a craft fair at the end of the month. dying fabric, felting, painting, worrying, buying things i cannot afford.
and yesterday we went out in the rain to buy postcards for girls with no names and i came home alone and watched lonesome jim and thought about my life and all of these paths and oh dear which one should i follow...

- also! i decided last night that my first bebe's name will be annika like in my pippi longstocking movies, if it's a girl of course and if it is a boy it will be conan the barbarian.

- i am head over heels in love with all of my friends right now.

- can anyone recommend some music for me? music without words please.



my thoughts are all over the place and everywhere.

my favourite thing right now is my carl wells mug.

and you.


oh and the bird boots that my special lady bought me in january.
it's not snowy anymore and i can wear them whenever i like.

01:15 am: and you wish your life was a home video made on a super 8. rewind and playback. rewind rewind.
we'd be sitting in the parking lot of my high school, eating cheeseburgers...or back in that green room, making love on the floor. everything would be pale blue. washed out red. grainy and grey.
in a perfect world, i would lay in the grass somewhere all day long and listen to story of an artist by daniel johnston, or the entire selmasongs cd and daydream about running away to the neighbourhood of make-believe with fred rogers.

i am stuck between wanting to be a child and wanting to be a woman who wears high heel shoes and reads the newspaper and has a cost-co membership.

oh life. life.

everything is about waiting right now. waiting for answers and waiting for better better best and waiting to live.
silly isn't it?



tonight it is snowing again. chad's foot prints have already been erased on my front steps by the snow. i went outside in my pajamas with my cat and stared at the sky and let the wind whip my hair around my face.

sooz dropped by today. it was good to see her. we talked and she brought me presents. thoughtful presents. thanks susan!

tonight my boyfriend brought me an orange and a cookie in a sobey's bag.

it's a day of gifts.


oh but it is getting late and i am not used to 1 am's these days.

tomorrow i am going to wake up early and walk to the grocery store and spend my last twenty dollars on pesto and french bread and maybe even chocolate pudding...but shhhh!

02:15 am: the lonesome lows
it is so strange to meet someone and get to know them only to find out that their blood and guts are empty and aching just like your own.
as soon as he said that he was alone(ly), i knew that i wanted to be his friend for an entire forever.

sometimes my cat winks at me.
and sometimes i drink steaming hot tea because everything about me is cold even my heart.
and sometimes i walk home late at night and kick at the leaves and pretend that i am not here.
not here.
but somewhere else where things are yellow everyday and not grey like sunday.

tomorrow night i am going to run run. i am going to comb my hair and meet some new people and smile like i mean it.

this week a lady that i worked with stopped breathing.
like she was on the moon and there was no more air.
and i wonder if her feet floated when the ins and outs of oxygen stopped.


and i wonder what you think of me because you never tell me. only in past tense. past.
tension.
and all i want to hear is "you are ok and it is ok and we are ok and and and..."
but all i get are things that used to be.
give me some now.


last night i fell asleep to the sound of my hormones.
and i laughed outloud in the dark at the ridiculous thoughts i was having.
goodness.
and also.
oh geez.


recommend me some music huh?
come on.

02:38 pm: we're having a bonfire at middle cove beach tonight.
wanna come?

10:34 pm: it is a sticky day.
darrell gave me pliers as a present.i drank beer outside with megs.
stayed up late last night.
went on a date. drove to signal hill and pushed the seats back and talked for hours. nice nice.

but the main point of this entry is to say

HOORAY!
Peephole got accepted to the Montreal World Film Festival!!!!
good job al. i am so proud of you!!!

11:54 pm: who gave you the right to bruise my little heart?
yes gilly. the mean reds indeed.
i feel them too.
today megs and i had an adventure. i ate a cherry at sobey's on topsail road and i didn't pay for it.
i felt so very stumbling and disgusting this afternoon. my legs didn't work.
apparently, they are joining my heart in the not working department.
i saw a boy today.
and his hair wasn't the same as i remembered.
and his shirt was plaid and his forearms looked just as beautiful as always. and we waved at eachother through the window of the metrobus and the glass was too too thick because i wanted to reach out and hug him.

isn't it funny how you can have this huge friendship with someone and then have it turn into a mess of possibilities that lasts for almost six years?
geez. today i came home and wrote him an email and i said...
i said everything.

and that is off my chest now. good riddance.

i made a jonny harris mask. i thought i was cool.
turns out, i'm not.

p.s. i heard your girlfriend was crazy.


is it possible to drink three beer and have a hangover?
i feel so yucky.
and i have seventeen bruises on my arm and last night, when he touched the mole next to my elbow...it was better than any sex i have ever had.

i swear

09:03 pm: i'll be a killer whale
( pictures from the last little while )

imagine if i had actually decided to go. what a mess that would've been. i might've pulled your hair and ran away away.
or i might've been ok and stayed.

love love love.

i have to work tonight from 10 pm-8 am.
i may be a zombie soon.

also!!!
there is a party here tomorrow night. why don't you come?

12:27 pm: i'm still waiting for a night warm enough to lay in the grass and watch the stars.
instead all i get are nights shivering in my bed.
oh summer. please hurry.
and i know when it is summer i will be wishing for autumn. that is how i am.
today is rent day and i have zero dollars and i am stressed and worried.
buy something?
art for sale

ah. i have had no call backs about the resumes i passed out yet. not only do i need to pay rent but the bills are piling up and my belly is hungry.
being broke makes me feel so useless.
everybody i know has money to blow on things and go out and do things like movies and dinner and drinks and shows and i am penniless.
it's a yucky feeling.
i am so ready to go back to work. i am quite restless.

things always get better right?
i am sooo due for some good luck.


this morning i listened to nena and missed sooz a whole bunch.
i wish she still lived above the curiousity shop. those were the sweetest summer days.

10:31 am: Happy Birthday browniemcgee!
Have a fabulous day!

12:19 pm: ah. saturday afternoon and the whole city feels foggy.
i spent my friday packing up my art from the exhibit, eating fresh fruit, ice cream and drinking white wine punch with some pretty girls that i will miss very much, napping and watching capote.
i slept in a skirt last night, too tired to find pajamas and when i woke up this morning, it was twisted around me like a tornado.

also. i am always broke in late may, early june. school ends and i am not sure what to do. but i have to find 300 dollars to pay my rent on june first so i am selling my soul/artwork.
buy some?
some of it is from the exhibit, some just random scribbles and pieces i've done over the past years.
make me an offer if the price is too high. i mean it, i won't be offended at all.
i just need to pay rent and find a job and get on with it. so every penny helps.
i have more stuff around that i haven't put up yet. i will take photos today and post.

well, it's noon. that means sandwiches and lemonade and pee wee's big adventure.
xo!